With a Consistent Sadness, I

I had a pretty good day. Why do I feel so shitty about it then? I feel a little shitty about this blog too. I started it, not just to document my life, but as a way to practice writing, and it's become less about practicing good writing, and simply just writing anything. I don't feel like that's a good way to go on, so I'm going to bring the quality back up to par.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting in blackness, much like an astronaut that's gotten separated from his ship, and is now doomed to drift aimlessly until his oxygen runs out, all the while probably reflecting on his life and, mostly, on the one big tragic event that led him here. But in theory, couldn't that astronaut learn to simply appreciate the vast and inexplicable beauty of his surroundings? If he had no memories for instance, he would learn to simply exist, never knowing that his life could be different. I need to learn how to do that.

Well, no, actually I don't. I realize that my life is not drifting in complete darkness, nor is it doomed. I really just need to learn how to accept my setbacks and go from here, but that's so god damned hard. Everyday I see people, younger than me, doing the things I should be doing through persistence and diligence. I recognize that I've been left behind by my peers because of events beyond my control, but I don't have to stay here.

It's just... well every time I feel that I'm on my way to achieving one of my goals something happens to tell me I'm not. I can't finish my fucking film, because I have to rely on the people who actually own the equipment necessary for it's completion, people who agreed to finish it in July, and it constantly seems like they're doing as little as possible to do so. I recognize that they're busy, but for fuck's sake I wish I could just meet a single one of my goals without other people barring the way.

Beautiful and talented women that are married, editors and sound designers that are busy and unmotivated, my own derision, awkwardness, lack of discipline, and general inability to complete any of the things I begin. I can only try to overcome four of these obstacles, but I will try. I promise. For everyone that has ever believed in me, I will try.